By Anonymous
The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all. It can hold you captive or even liberate you. The Bible in 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” It is however impossible to be brave and understand this wander of addiction in my mind. The drugs have taken power from my mind. It is even more difficult to describe this compulsive need of smoking marijuana popularly known weed, shash, mbichwa, ndom in local parlance and associated with the popular culture of Rastafari.
The first time I smoked a joint I was fourteen years old. Contrary to what many pot smokers may tell you, marijuana is addictive. Users often do not recognize they are hooked. There was a time I could not do without it. I just kept doing it. At first, taking drugs is usually your choice. But as you continue to take them, using self-control can become harder and harder. This is the biggest sign of addiction. Addiction makes me feel like I am in a standstill. It gives me a split self image and I lack an integrated and realistic approach to myself and to others. I am lost and no longer in control and I keep fighting this unseen battle with this drug. The utmost loss is when you drown into your own world and shut out people that care about you. When the people closest to you realize you abuse drugs, they get disappointed and for the parents, they say they have lost their child. I feel they will never have me back. I ask myself if I will ever stop the addiction.
When working on breaking this habit of smoking marijuana, I fall back into bad company and /or bodily comforts. This comforts trigger the urge to use drugs. The comforts can be a place, person, thing, smell, feeling, picture, or memory that reminds me of taking a drug and getting high. These senseless thoughts keep me away from my main focus. If you ever decide to roll a joint or light up one to make you go to sleep, you open the door to a lifetime mental illness. It becomes a path of addiction and a starting point of drug abuse. Tolerance then follows, altering the brain to escalating doses to physical dependence. I use drugs because I want to feel good, stop feeling bad, or perform better in school or at work and deal with trouble at home. It is tiring to use drugs to help solve problems. It is when you arrive at a psychological dependence that you trip hard. My advice? I do not know. Just promise not to start and for the misusers, start acting on your fantasies of stopping usage later. Addiction is a chronic disease. That means it stays with you for a long time, even if you stop using for a while. It doesn’t go away like a cold. A person with an addiction can get treatment, but quitting for good can be very hard for relapsing is so possible
My addiction doesn’t give me any benefits. It has however given me a lens towards life. Through this battle of overthinking and insanity, I have picked on knowing the truth and picking the good side of something as it often sets one free. Did you know that marijuana produces high cannabidiol (CBD) containing products like Acetone and Glycol? If you craving for a marijuana ‘self lift’ consider picking a cannabis sativa lip balm instead. It will help repair your already chapped lips. There is nothing gained from addiction. You develop a misguided perspective with common symptoms of craving, compulsivity, fixation on addiction, loss of control over addiction, shame, feeling a need to engage in the addiction more and more, frustrations and ultimately loss of control.
In recognizing my weaknesses, I tend to lean on therapy and speak to older friends. An ex dope addict in helping me deal with the addiction combed me on something he calls “operant condition”. The addict is conditioned to ensure all smoking in chains (group of people) is reduced or eliminated. Further it contains; the individual must never make purchases towards nursing their addiction. Another way towards my recovery is eloping away from environmental risk factors. In classical weed language, that would be referred to as “detoxing”. It is in this breaks that I feel free. Even if it is for a day, I get to enjoy it without addiction. I give myself hope that eventually I will maintain it. It is in breaking this cycle of genetic risk factors that I am coming out. I forgive the naïve teen who wanted to fit in and discover the world. I had no clue of what would happen next. It is through my mistakes I have learnt and discovered a lot of negative influence by the drugs. You may similarly lack understanding of how I afforded the addiction as a young college lady in the first place. Smokers are almost the kindest people I have met with sharing of joints spicing the whole ordeal.
As a parting shot, this is not a piece for you to question my background or mistakes. It is a confession of a dependency disorder that cost me a year at the university. It is a bell to any individual out there to recognize the truth. It is a wakeup call to those contemplating and preparing freedom from their addiction. To note is, we all take different spans, time and approaches to countering issues. Be brave, recognize your addiction. Dealing with the repucations of the drugs cost me a lot. I forgot things and would have trouble focusing on studies which lead to bad performance at school and trouble getting along with people which can make life hard. You might use drugs to get your mind off these problems but that is just a weird fallacy that you should work towards dropping. Dear reader, kindly be in action to tickling your heart and soul into a healthy place.
Bio
The writer is set to complete her B.A in International Relations – a prospect which provides her with hope to make a change in the world. She is a freelance creative who journals and has began writing her memoir. She has a guilty conscience, a good sense of humor and a love for the environment. Life to her is having people who trust in others and the world. She is currently doing therapy in her journey to seeking freedom to be happy.